When talk therapy isn't enough

Often analysing, problem solving and making sense of things is an avoidant tactic we may not even be aware of.

It was after my therapist commented on the fact that I would often answer questions with “I think”, that made me realise I have been thinking a lot since my breakup. Probably thinking a bit too much about things to my own detriment. Since the breakup, instead of grieving the relationship, crying over sad films and indulging in the pain by listening to Adele on re

peat and drinking my sorrows away, I went straight into analysis mode.

My TikTok and Instagram algorithms went straight to attachment theory, and everyday I was learning more about attachment theories, avoidant discards, and the neurochemistry of my ex. The deeper I went, the more my friends and family had to put up with my ramblings on the situation, the sense I’d made of it, and what a mix of pseudo-experts on social media were saying, AI’s take on the situation and a timeline I’d given to myself as to when my ex might resurface.

If I felt sad or triggered, I’d go straight to analysing the situation. Asking AI to help me make sense of it, or scouring social media for another expert’s opinion on the situation. It gave me the relief I needed and the hope almost became addictive. The more the weeks went on, and the months went by, my fixation with analysing the situation, assessing my ex, and examining takes from social media experts continued up to the point where I became frustrated at myself for using this metaphorical crutch to make myself feel better.

“Why do I keep reading about attachment theory” I’d ask. “Why can’t I just let it go?”

After an avoidant discard, it’s normal for anyone to be stuck in a loop of not knowing what was going on and wanting to make sense of it, but my therapy was also fuelling this analysis that wasn’t necessarily helping me. It was only until I looked into the benefits of somatic work, that I realised the need to focus on both the thinking and the feeling side of things. The latter of which I’d neglected.

Somatic therapy is body-centric approach that treats trauma, anxiety, and depression by focusing on physical sensations rather than just cognitive thoughts. It can often take the form of breath-work, stretching, body movements and more, and is linked to nervous system regulation and how our body manages stress. Research has shown that it can significantly reduce the symptoms of post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD) with studies indicating up to 44–90% of participants improving, while also reducing anxiety, depression, and chronic pain.

In fact, studies on Somatic Experiencing (SE) have also shown significant improvements in PTSD, with one study showing 44% of participants no longer met PTSD criteria after treatment. One area of somatic experiencing that I’ve found to be immensely helpful has been yoga, and it wasn’t until I was in a recent yoga class and found myself crying at the end as I reached a state of calm, or what Gen Z might refer to as ‘flow state’.

I can’t quite explain why or how yoga had this affect on me, but I’m not alone. Research shows that yoga effectively reduces stress by lowering cortisol levels, decreasing anxiety, and calming the nervous system through combined physical postures (asanas), breathing techniques (pranayama), and meditation. Regular practice improves emotional regulation and mental well-being, with studies showing significant stress reduction over 8-16 weeks.

It was only by focusing on my body, noticing where I was storing pain, frustration or feeling that I was able to work through it and release it. What has also helped was focusing on naming feelings as and when they would come up. Often we want to distract ourselves to avoid sitting with our feelings. This is largely because many of us are afraid to wallow in it, and worry that if we allow ourselves to go into a hole of negative emotion, we won’t be able to pull ourselves out of it.

This is mistaken however, because it’s only by processing our feelings, that we can prove to ourselves that we have the resilience to go to a dark place and come out of it on the other side, allowing us to bank evidence that we can take with us as we continue to manage life’s trials and tribulations.

While talk therapy is incredibly important for promoting self-actualisation, self-awareness and a space to process our thoughts and feelings, the body still keeps the score. It’s important to take a two-pronged approach to managing stress, trauma, and anxiety, and this includes paying attention to our nervous system, and identifying somatic ways to release some of the hurt we’ve been holding onto.

This is the better approach in my experience, instead of using cognitive processing as a deceptively convenient crutch that we can use to convince ourselves and others that we’re processing things, when in reality we’re just avoiding the pain or experience of sitting with ourselves and our feelings.

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